Chemo Selfie

Posted: July 31, 2014 in breast cancer

CAM00900

So, losing my hair has been the hardest adjustment I have had to make so far, besides feeling exhausted all the time. I had a few days where I felt really ugly, lots of tears were shed… It is hard when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself because you can’t see thru the preconceived notions society puts non our heads about what it beautiful, acceptable, pretty…

I got so angry at myself for feeling this way… “Really, Shan, do you mean to tell yourself that all of your wealth of personality, the things that make you who you are- that they are dependent on having hair?!?”. HELL NO! I’m still me! And, I’m going to be a better stronger person when I am through with this journey!

Gift From A Child

Posted: July 31, 2014 in poetry

There is something really beautiful
About the wonder of a child
Everything is new and exciting
They let their imaginations run wild

In a constant quest for answers
Whatever they may be
Children see things that
We will never see

They question things
We have taken for granted
Like the sky, the trees, the grass
The beauty of our planet…

If they could only teach us
To see things like they do
I’m sure we’d see a beauty of life
That we forgot we knew

(C) Shan Schubert

Wake me up!

Posted: July 25, 2014 in breast cancer

I am day 3 post chemotherapy infusion and I feel so exhausted, disconnected…

I am not sure which bothers me most.

It seems so weird not to have a job to go to, errands to run, something, anything to occupy my time. In use to dream of the days that I could have nothing at all pressing to do… Yearn for them even, but now the days stretch out in front of me like a deserted stretch of highway with no end in sight.

Exhaustion… It is now 1:36pm as I type this, I have not made it more than 20 steps from my bed all day, but still I can barely keep my eyes open… In fact, I know after I write this I will probably take another nap… The day will be over when I wake up.

My husband came home at lunch and spent it laying in bed with me… Some days he is my only contact with the outside world. This makes me angry.

I am 39 years old, I should be out living and enjoying life.

The red devil chemo that I am getting makes you photosensitive… I am told to avoid sunlight as much as possible and limit my exposure to under 5 minutes at a time. Me, the girl who once remarked that she must be solar powered because feeling the suns rays soak in to her skin felt like recharging her body. The girl who would take a book, a mp3 player, and a blanket down to the creek when she wanted to relax and get away from everything… The girl who switched chores with her older brother as a child… Just so she could mow the grass, be outside- he did the dishes…

It seems like I am living someone else’s life and that all that once gave me pleasure is being denied to me.

Sonnet #1

Posted: July 25, 2014 in poetry

When I do hold the
Heart that sinks
The moon
And see the truth as
Stars from lover’s eyes
When I behold the
Night that fades too
Soon
And clouds that reach
But never touch
The skies

When light no longer
Shines upon my soul
And dreams- broken
Refuse to mend and
Heal
When dark black
Night again
Swallows me
Whole
In weakness my
Knees buckle and
I kneel

When love so cruel
Destroys my hope
Of peace
And laughs aloud
At my deceptive
Dreams
When in despair I
Beg for my release
And realize nothing
Is how it might seem
At last you take my light
Away from me
When love is pain lived
Only in mem’ry.

I Miss You

Posted: July 23, 2014 in poetry

I miss you
Your innocent thoughts
And carefree ways
Always smiling
Filled with laughter

You believed in
Fairytale endings and
Happily ever after
Once upon a time

Not afraid of failure
Living life’s grand dream
You thought you could
Conquer the world with a smile

Your optimism and hope
Where are they now?
I miss…
The me I use to be.

Round 2 in Chemoland

Posted: July 22, 2014 in breast cancer

So, round two took place promptly at 9:30am today. That is fact, but Round 2 actually started yesterday afternoon. I’ll explain.

I was sitting innocently at home,
Doing what good wives do
Whatever that is…
And I received a text message…

My husband’s uncle is in ICU, he is not doing good, they have called in hospice and put him on a morphine drip. He is in Austin- two hours from here.

I have chemo in Houston- two hours from here as well- at 9am in the morning.

Well, my husband gets home and I tell him the news. He is so torn I can tell… He wants to see his uncle, he knows he has to take me to chemo. It sucks! I feel so badly. I tell him just go, if it were me I would want to see my uncle too. I will find someone else to give me a ride – his uncle is more important at this point. He refuses to leave me, so I’m sitting there feeling miserable and a solution just comes to me…

We can drive 2 hours, go see his uncle for a bit (something is better than nothing right?) and then drive the two hours back home. I tally the hours up in my mind look at the clock… If we are going to do this then we need to do it now!

So, I quickly throw the idea out there and let him think about it. Its his decision… Its the only solution I can come up with where everyone gets what they need… I’d just about given up hope of this happening when all of a sudden hubby says “well, let’s go!”

So we drove off into the sunset…

Two hours there, two hours visiting, two hours back…We got back home at 12:47am. Woke up at 6am, got dressed and drove two hours to my chemo treatment that lasted four hours, then drove 2 hours home.

Recreating Me

Posted: July 21, 2014 in breast cancer, poetry

Drifting out to sea
Waves gently rocking me
Singing to me their lullaby
Beneath a dazzling starry sky

Salt in my wounds-
beginning to heal
Unlearning the past
Beginning to feel
Opening my heart
Learning to trust
The moon shining encouragement-
Saying I must

Off in the distance
A wave reaches shore
Burying in the oceans depths
Sins mine no more
Floating on soft rays
Of serenity
The day begins to dawn
Recreating me

A light breeze
Caresses my skin
I begin to feel
The tingle of life again
Overhead a seagull cries
As me and unhappiness
Say our goodbyes

(C) Shan Schubert

The ocean has always been my place to go, unwind, cast my troubles into its sparkling depths, and recharge myself. With the chemo treatment I am receiving at the moment I cannot be out in the sun – a big restriction for someone who has been called nature girl before! So, I’m trying to mentally transport myself to my favorite destinations… This poem seemed fitting…

1.  Self-image … You are, but you aren’t your reflection in the mirror.     What really matters is who you are inside and how you treat others.     I already knew this to some extent (I think we all do) but its amazing how much we know but do not practice, or even how you can know something to be true but experiencing it sheds a whole new light on things.

 

2.   Strength… I always thought strength meant to be able to do something without effort… Maybe sometimes it does.  But true strength is not giving up… It’s pushing through despite the effort it takes… It is not never failing, but picking yourself up when you fail and pushing on and trying again or finding another way… It’s not losing good when you feel like there is none.

 

3.   That feeling badly makes me react badly… I am the grouchiest, hardest to please, angry demon spawn when I am sick.     I am so pissed off at my body for failing me that I will have to keep a check on my moods, least I end up having a meltdown and spewing venomous hate at those I love when in actuality I am not mad at them at all.

Forbidden Pleasures

Posted: July 14, 2014 in poetry

I’ve always wanted into be free

To abandon all the rules and live wildly

I’ve always wanted to live life to its fullest

To do all that’s forbidden and dangerous

I’ve always wanted to break these chains

To live all of the pleasures and all of the pains

I’ve always wanted to express my individuality

To live life without boundaries…

 

(C) shanschubert

Conformity

Posted: July 13, 2014 in poetry

Brazen whips society wields

It seems their assault never yields

Rules, regulations, conformity

They must exert their authority

Originality is put to rest

Conformity is what they like best

 

The whip cracks as it hits his back

But he will survive their attack

He laughs at them despite the pain

And assures them originality will remain

He boldly looks them in the eye

I hear him say “Conformity? – I’d rather die!”

(C) shan Schubert

I wrote this poem while I was still in school, long long ago lol. One of my junior high English teachers helped me to get it published… It was the second poem I’d had published..